By Scott Bailey © 2013
Exhaustion seeps in
Draining away all my will
Where’s my little pil Get the previous ones here
We create darkness
So its been a low couple of weeks.
For a start I have been off work due to stress. That’s a sentence I never thought I would write about myself. I never really got people being off work for stress.
Well I do now. Things have been frantic at work for quite a while now – just a consequence of circumstances. But being a small company a lot falls on all our shoulders – and frankly I am surprised this hasn’t happened to one of us sooner – though I would not have predicted it being me. But after completely one particularly stressful project I came home and that night went into a panic attack that I could not get out of. It lasted days and is still kind of lurking ready to strike.
The problem is that I am too entrenched in the business and there is no one else who can do what I do there. Don’t get me wrong – its them same for the other’s. None of us has a backup or fall back person who can take over our duties. It has been going on for some time and there has been nothing we can really do about it. It got to the point where – when at home I felt sick to the stomach every time my mobile went in case it was work – and it usually was. As if to prove the point – despite the fact that work know why I am off and fully understand, they have still contacted me nearly everyday to get me to fix something – not because they want to but because the whole thing literally grinds to a halt.
Anyway just getting it all off my chest. I think that’s only part of it. I think there is also some delayed reaction to losing Lucas. Added to that the fact that I have never had a real extended break from work for over 25 years now – and still not feeling like I am getting anywhere.
Anyway – to add to al that – we have also been going through the matching process for a particular little boy who seemed ideal for us. (Just to add stress upon stress – though the be honest I never felt stressed about this). Anyway we found Friday that the other couple were considered a better match than us in this case. So we were disappointed but we had deliberately not got our hopes up. It means, barring a miracle we won’t have a another little one before Christmas now. But maybe that’s a good thing. We can look forward to a fresh new year.
We are also a little worried about Alexander. He keeps coming back to asking about Lucas, wanting to know how he died and why. HE seems to have become a little OCD with things as well, insisting on everything being put back in its place.
He also is convinced that he saw a ghost in the alley next to our house. He stood there trying to scare something off and Nanny asked him what he was doing. He said look there is a ghost there its speaking to me! He wasn’t scared at this point but was totally insistent it was there. We could see nothing.
But he is four and has a very vivid imagination. His latest invention being the Tickle Ninjas.
He is loving school and doing very well so we are not overly concerned. Spent a lovely day just the two of us today playing explorers though we spent more time packing the bags than actually exploring. He gets that from his mum!